It’s in our nature. As humans, women and as mothers. We compare our looks, our successes/failures, our weaknesses and put them against someone else’s strengths.
Comparing things like house size, financial stability, fashion, personality traits.
As mother’s we start comparing in utero. Weight gained in pregnancy, type of symptoms and complications, alterations in physical appearance like increased hair growth and stretch marks, what size everyone around you believes your new baby will be, how much hair they will have etc.
We compare when we get those first stats at birth when we find out how long baby is and how much they weigh. What seems like instantly we compare it to family members and friends and what sizes their babies were.
It continues at doctor office visits as baby gets bigger and is placed in percentiles for weight, height and head size compared to their peers. We begin to wonder is this “normal”, am I feeding them enough/ or too much?
We start to panic when our child isn’t meeting milestones like other children or at the same pace. We compare and wonder why our child isn’t sitting up yet, rolling over, walking, talking, isn’t potty training at a younger age or writing their first name independently yet.
In this day and age we don’t just make these said comparisons when we see other families at church, at school pick up and drop off, at family gatherings and play dates.
We now make these comparisons every minute- of everyday- of every week-of every month-of every year with social media. We see other mom’s BEST days and unfairly compare it to our WORST days.
Now on top of the aforementioned, we worry about social media followers, response and influence.
We feel pressured to take perfect photos of our perfect days and post them to the world.
I don’t know about you but that isn’t motherhood for me.
It’s rarely perfect. I’m either neglecting the children and placing them in front of the TV so I can check things off my to do list or I am doing activities with them where it’s hard for me to fairly engage with them (giving them 100% of my attention without picking up my phone) or I’m worried about the mess we are making.
I am that mom that stages pictures just to post them on social media, to see how many likes and comments I get.
While it’s in no way a bad thing wanting to take and document photos of our children’s lives to remember them by it can quickly become overwhelming, all consuming and unhealthy.
I find myself staging a perfect photo of us playing with a sensory item, baking in the kitchen together, or what I think is a beautiful family picture or picture of my children.
After posting it I only get said number of likes and it wasn’t the response I was hoping for.
I’m devastated and I let that lack of response affect my confidence and how I feel about myself as a person and a mother!! It uproots my confidence and I start thinking thoughts like “maybe that wasn’t that exciting” or “maybe we didn’t look as cute as I thought.”
Our moms and grandmothers never had to deal with this. It was a matter of only when you went out to public gatherings you would see others staged “perfect” lives or in photos sent through the mail a few times a year.
I am not perfect at this, hence why I am writing this post to reach out and tell you something I struggle with daily that I am working on!
I am guilty of doing just this. My kids and I wear pjs all day, I’ve yelled more than I’ve wanted, my patience is at its end, I haven’t engaged enough with kids, the house is a mess and I get on social media.
I see posts of people who went on vacations with their kids to Disneyland, I see someone who took their child to Fly High, swimming or some fun adventure place, I see someone engaging their kids in school type work and wonder if I’m behind in teaching mine, I see influencers promoting toys, baby/toddler foods and educational activities and wonder if I’m doing the right things with my kids.
All the confidence issues and comparing we innately have as humans, women and mother’s we deal with more often with more peers- sometimes hundreds at a time.
I AM GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT I POST ON SOCIAL MEDIA IS MY BEST MOMENTS AND NOT ALWAYS REALITY.
I’m giving you permission to think of my shortcomings when you think you are falling short. Most people in this “perfect” world will not willfully admit their faults and admit they have bad moments and days. To help other moms I WILL. What you see is a tiny glimpse of my day with my family.
I have a few suggestions to reign some of these feelings of guilt, inadequacy and self depreciating behaviors in.
1. Take regular breaks from social media platforms– 2-5+ days where you can truly say you cleansed your body and mind and allowed yourself to feel whole in other ways.
2. Give yourself GRACE– to whoever is reading this I probably know most of you on a fairly deep level and I KNOW wholeheartedly you are doing better than you think you are. You are the best mom to your children. You are enough. By feeding them, clothing them, teaching them and loving them you are doing enough.
3. Don’t be afraid to have humor in posting either and posting Instagram vs Reality. My kids get a learning box in the mail each month and it has amazing engaging activities. This month my son Grant could care less about the contents and just wanted to play in the box it came in. Sometimes we try things and they don’t work! In my case this is more often than not with a 2 and 4 year old.
4. If you’re having a bad day- DON’T get on social media- in my case it never helps. Seeing someone’s best day will magnify your mishaps for the day.
5. Consciously choose to do other things you love or once loved instead of scrolling. See if you feel more whole. Pick up a book, send a text to a family member or friend, paint, draw, bake something, play the piano or get on the floor and play dolls and blocks with your kids.
6. Unfollow influencers that are making you more stressed as a mother. If by following these individuals you feel like you’re not doing enough as a mom remember as their mom you know what’s best for them and can tell what they need in your sleep.
7. Don’t feel pressured to take a picture of every moment of your child’s life. Our parents didn’t. They only took a few pictures of special moments. It doesn’t make you less of a mom that you haven’t documented it and posted it, it means you were present with your kids. This past Christmas I decided to be present and not take any pictures of my kids while they were opening their presents or their reaction to what Santa left them.
This post in no way is to bash social media or to bash individuals who post on social media because I am one of them!
Social media is such a blessing that we can share pictures and stories with family and friends across the globe. When it consumes our time, uproots our confidence and makes us question if we are a good mom-it becomes unhealthy.
Being a mom is hard. It’s amazing but it’s hard. It’s easy to compare to others but seems like it intensifies after becoming a parent/mother.
I will write a subsequent post about simple activities I do with my kids throughout the day to break up TV/playing time.
I am here to tell you I’m human, I fall short and I’m just an imperfect mom who loves her kids perfectly!
If you have experienced something similar with social media please reach out via message or comments.
Share what you do to reign in that innate comparison in a technological world!
Disclaimer: Use all parenting, life, and general advice contained herein at your own risk
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