When becoming a mom there is a phenomenon that has overtaken my life- and it’s called mommy guilt.
Somehow I OWN every bump/bruise, every cavity, every bad behavior, every day that consisted of too much tv, not enough learning/reading and not enough fruits and vegetables.
I should have run over there faster, I should have been paying more attention, I should have brushed longer/ feed my kids different food, I should have been more awake and less groggy the day after I worked so we could have had a day full of sensory play, reading, learning letters and coloring.
A whole lot of shoulda, coulda, woulda’s.
It’s so hard not to blame myself when things go “awry” in my kid’s lives.
The truth is, as much as I wish I was super human, I’m not, I’m just a mom who loves her kids and wants what’s best for them.
I think it is human nature to let the bad envelope our thoughts instead of remembering even an ounce of good.
For instance, my daughter Emberly went to the dentist and had a few cavities, and my first thought which turned into gut wrenching mommy guilt was, I am such a bad mom, I’m negligent and how could I have let this happen.
Again, since I’m her mom, care for and love her every second of everyday I OWN and am responsible for these hiccups and missteps.
When in reality, cavities happen. Some kids are more prone to them due to genetics. My daughter is 3 and snacks all day because she eats when she is hungry, so she got cavities with her teeth being exposed to food all day.
This is the part we focus on as moms.
What we should/could have done better to achieve total perfection and be a perfect mom with a perfect house and kids.
In reality this isn’t attainable.
What I should have focused on is the fact that they stated they barely had to clean any plaque off her teeth because we brush so throughly at home, that while doing the fillings, they didn’t have to use laughing gas because she was so well behaved and she was the best 3 year old they have ever worked on.
When our kids fall and get hurt we are kicking ourselves that our heads weren’t turned the right way, we weren’t fast enough or didn’t think of moving some obstacle or something to a higher shelf that could have prevented harm.
We let this consuming guilt reign instead of thinking of all the ways we keep them safe everyday by making sure they are fed and bathed, giving vitamins, keeping current on vaccinations, taking them to well-child checks, applying sunscreen, limiting screen time, etc.
Physical accidents happen and it’s the way our kids learn and grow allowing them to get up and try again.
Our kids have one day of too much screen time because we are catching up on to-do’s or are too tired to engage, and the next thing we know we are looking at social media and seeing all the fun/learning activities other moms are doing with their kids and we have “failed.”
In reality, what we have failed at, is comparing for one, which gets us no where comparing someone’s best day to our worst day, and second, failing to remember all the outlets we give our kids to learn and be nourished mentally, physically and spiritually.
These include trips to the library, reading before bed, play dates, planning crafts, museums, sensory bins, taking them to church on Sunday etc.
My kids are the busy ages of 3 and 18 months where they are on the move.
My son especially is finding his voice, barely sits for 30 seconds (other than meal time) and lately when we go to the library or church they have, in my mind, been so naughty.
I’m on edge- feeling my heart race as my kids make a loud noise, feeling guilty, and feeling the need to say sorry for how my kids are acting. When in all reality they are doing exactly what they should be doing at their ages.
There is also that guilt that comes when you go from one to two children and have to share your time and love between two now.
When your toddler doesn’t understand why momma can’t take her up to bed every night anymore and can’t hold her every second she used to.
A new life depends on mama to help feed, soothe and care for them.
That’s a lot for a little toddler to comprehend having to give up THEIR time with mama.
It has since gotten easier for me in that my daughter and son have gotten older, my son nurses less and they’ve become less temporally dependent.
But dang, it tugs at my heart strings when they both need me at the same time and both need my arms to hold them at the same time.
It has been a whole lot of growing pains and adapting for all of us.
My husband and I try to alternate who helps put each child to sleep at night.
While my son Grant naps during the day, Emberly and I have our special time where I try to devote my attention to just her, we paint nails, watch Gilmore Girls, play with her sand bucket etc.
On the other hand, while Emberly is at school I try to have intentional time with my son Grant (bonding with him individually) like going to the park or going to an art class.
Thanks to my amazing therapist I am learning the difference between needing to say I’m sorry and needing to say I’m human.
I can’t do it all, all the time and be perfect.
Did my child hit his face on the side of the grill because of something I did or because the dog was running by and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time?
Did I get mad and snap at my kids because I am a bad person who yells at innocent children or because I’m a human who hasn’t had time to eat, go to the bathroom or take even a minute for just me and my carnal self came out?
How many boo boos have I kissed, tears have I dried, snuggles given, books read compared to the times I am not as patient as I should be?
Did my kids get sick because I over plan and don’t wash their hands enough? Or am I trying to give them opportunities to make memories and I have never once in my life been a mother to a three and one year old until this moment and I’m learning?
The other part of this so called GUILT I feel being a mom is taking time away from my kids.
It has since gotten much better but I used to just cry when I would leave for work and leave my kids behind.
I worried someone else wouldn’t know what they were saying, what snack they needed and wouldn’t be able to meet their temporal needs throughout the day like I do.
My husband has told me on numerous occasions when I feel this guilt of leaving my children to go to a MOPS meeting, work, take a bath or go workout, “Who told you had to spend every second of every day with our kids?”
I’m still not good at laying aside this guilt of taking ME time.
In reality I am a way better mom when I have taken care of myself, but I don’t always prioritize it.
Just this week as I was leaving for a workout class my daughter just balled saying “Please stay with me and baby!” and for a moment I thought I needed to stay.
So many times my baths turn into the kids joining me because I hear them crying outside the door and I can’t leave them be.
Although I feel guilty in the moment
*my kids miraculously always stop crying
*enjoy time with other family members while I’m away and
*I can function as a way better mom when I take the time I need.
I think most or all women feel the need to be PERFECT or else we have somehow failed as moms.
We are our worst critics and somehow take the weight of everything especially going on with our kids on our shoulders.
It’s not always a bad thing to worry if your doing a good job- because it means you care.
It becomes a problem when in my case it’s all consuming, when we never see the good we do but constantly feel guilt and put ourselves down about the things we should have done or that don’t go as planned in the realm of parenthood.
There is power in being a mom and raising our kids to be good people.
We are the best mom for our particular kids and thank heavens our children are angelic and forgive so easily and see the good in us.
I have started writing or noting something that goes well with my kids each day. A few examples:
05/23/21 I stopped my hustle and bustle and tickled and giggled with my son Grant for 10 whole minutes.
06/14/21 I was able to balance cleaning and completing things while giving my kids the attention and love they needed today.
I am far from learning to rid myself of the mommy guilt that so often comes, but I hope we will learn to give ourselves more grace and have fewer thoughts of failure as we do the best we can for our little ones.
I would love to hear your thoughts about how you manage guilt and doubt as a mom! Leave your thoughts in the comments.
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