You know those phenomenons in the realm of parenting that seasoned parents either don’t remember because it has been so long since they’ve had young children and/or they don’t want to tell you said phenomenons can happen when you have young children fearful it may deter you completely from ever wanting to create them?
I am going through one of these changes that occur after becoming a parent and that change brings about the question: what happened to the 7 year relationship I had with my significant other prior to my first child being born?
Words I would use to describe this relationship now are changed, dampened, quieted, muted, suppressed, fleeting, fragile, dimmed, altered and any other word that describes something that has been put on the back burner and been bumped down my list of priorities.
Can you relate to this?
Feeling like you don’t know your spouse anymore. No regular outings or dates with each other due to lack of time and energy and needing childcare.
No quality alone time because when you finally get it you’re both too exhausted from the days to-do’s that you spend your evening lying in bed next to each other playing on your own electronic devices.
Instead of world events, witty jokes and plans for upcoming vacations, your dinner conversations now consist of whether or not the children pooped today, what color it was and what was on sale at the grocery store.
Not that the above mentioned aren’t fascinating- but what happened to the love, passion, spontaneity and friendship that once drove your relationship?
It is now enveloped in sleepless nights, messes, diaper changes, tantrums and mundane everyday tasks.
I would be totally naive to assume that no changes occur after the birth of a child when a family of 2 now grows and becomes a family of 3. Of course there will be changes in finances, quality time with each other etc.
What I wasn’t ready for was how drastic those changes would be especially after having a second child, having less time together, less energy, less resources and getting so consumed by the roles of mom and dad, we forgot who we are as husband and wife.
I can totally see why people get divorced while they are still raising children, or shortly after their kids graduate and leave home.
If left unchecked, you feel a total disconnect, all you do is coexist and you forget who you are as a couple.
My point in writing this is to reach those feeling these same things. It can be devastating, scary and stressful to lose your once solid relationship with your partner- we have to recognize it, fight for it, adapt with the changing relationship and re-learn as we go.
I’m absolutely terrified- my relationship that my spouse and I have worked so hard to build through 2 years of long distance, nursing school and the stresses of life will cease to be and become totally uprooted and undone if we don’t fight for it and continue to nourish it now.
We can’t wait til our kids are grown to have our time together again, we have to find ways to date each other in the now.
My parents religiously went on dates every week when I was growing up, and now I know why! They had to keep laughing together, trying new things and growing, or else their relationship would cease.
When they had young children they would trade babysitting with their friends (since they knew them and trusted them) and would watch their kids so their friends could go out and then on another night switch.
My spouse and I have tried at home date boxes that come monthly. We have had a blast with some of them, learned new things and been stretched out of our comfort zone- but I would be lying if I didn’t say a lot of times they feel forced.
We do them at night after long hard days and we would both rather be sleeping or doing something that takes no effort or thought like watching a tv show.
But it has been SOMETHING!
Our relationships with those around us are the result of what we put into them nothing more, nothing less.
On top of everything else I have going on as an overwhelmed mom- that of cleaning, cooking, laundry, teaching, bills etc. I have to learn to date my spouse again? It can be overwhelming.
Last week my spouse and I had the best date we have had in years! We got sushi at an Irish pub followed by a scavenger hunt at Target where we stepped into the others shoes and shopped for that person and what they would like.
It was so much fun and we reconnected again.
Here are a few thoughts on how to stay connected when you have young children.
Someway, somehow go on dates out of the house!
I have a cousin who has her parents watch her kids every week so that her and her spouse can go on dates.
I feel blessed in that my in laws live just over an hour away- but we have not been utilizing them for child care.
A few days ago we asked them if once a month they could come down and watch the kids while we go out and they, of course, said yes!
Monthly we are going out every 3rd Friday, it’s prescheduled on the calendar so that it happens!
If family isn’t anywhere nearby, find a trusted youth in your church or a close friend to watch the kiddos.
Take turns planning the dates
This way no one person in the relationship feels all the stress of planning and it keeps things fresh having ideas from both sides.
There is an idea for date jars on Pinterest where you write options for dates on popsicle sticks and put them in a jar, date agenda is on the fly!
There are people and sites on Instagram you can follow like the Dating Divas whose sole mission are to put out fun and new dating ideas!
Put the kids to bed earlier than usual
You have relished in their cuteness all day, it’s ok to put them to bed early so that you have more energy for your spouse.
Don’t take each other so seriously
Admittedly a lot of times these days I am grumpy and frustrated and don’t give my best self to my better half. He annoys me and I forget what I love about him.
Then it’s 10:00 pm and we start having a tickle war in bed (I’m extremely ticklish and he isn’t at all) and give each other wet willies and laugh and wrestle like children and lighten up about everything.
Get out of your comfort zone and participate in activities and community events that you wouldn’t usually do together.
i.e. when the restaurant you’re eating at comes by and asks if you want to play singo (bingo with songs) don’t be afraid to say yes and sing along when they play the song clips! At least you’ll look like idiots together!
It’s ok to need therapy
I have yet to meet a couple that hasn’t had a rough patch in their relationship. Everything now a days has to be instant, instant gratification, if it’s not an easy fix it is tossed to the wayside.
I’m not a marriage therapist nor do I ever want to be, but I am someone who is trying to be a transparent mama who has had seams of my marriage come undone post- children.
I believe every person individually and as a couple could benefit from therapy in that we all have stress, unexpected life events, and we struggle to communicate from time to time.
Having a third party mediate and voicing concerns and changes post baby can be so helpful.
What I am learning is that my relationship with my spouse will never be static, it is fluid and we will constantly have to learn and re-learn our relationship as our kids grow.
Myron and I aren’t the same people we were when we started dating 11 years ago, our likes and dislikes have changed and that’s why my dad always says “marriage is just like a big long date” and it’s true that it needs to be!
If we don’t put effort in, even if it feels forced to date our spouses after the long exasperating days of child rearing, there will be no relationship when our children are gone.
You are not alone in feeling disconnected to your spouse as a busy and tired mama.
I would love to hear how you date your spouse and keep your relationship fresh!
Leave your thoughts in the comments!
Disclaimer: Use all parenting, life and general advice contained therein at your own risk.