Let me tell you about my experience with postpartum depression after having my daughter Emberly.
I have a family history of anxiety and depression, so I had an inkling that I may struggle with it after having a baby with all the physical and mental changes that can accompany the birth of a child.
I had a hard pregnancy with Emberly. I was working nights full time as a nurse. I was nauseated from day one until the day of her birth. Every morning on my way home from work-or shortly thereafter- I would vomit.
I don’t really remember having any cravings because I would become nauseated with almost everything, including mint gum and my husband’s aroma.
A few months before becoming pregnant with Emberly we had a miscarriage. I never really had time to process this pregnancy loss because I got pregnant again almost the next month- (more about our miscarriage in a subsequent post).
I was due November 30th, I started having full blown contractions that day but did not actually birth Emberly until Monday December 4th around 5 pm.
Long story short it was a very hard birth with 4 full days of painful contractions, no pain medicine or epidural, hypoxia, feeling the closest I ever have to death, baby Emberly getting stuck and them needing to do an emergent episiotomy.
This post is not meant to be about my birth story with Emberly, but the depression and anxiety that followed the compilation of an unprocessed miscarriage, a physically and mentally draining pregnancy, and a traumatic birth. Then to top it off after “running” the marathon of my life, came the caring for a newborn infant, feeling completely alone, scared, tired and in a daze wondering “what just happened.”
After the birth, in the hospital it almost doesn’t seem real. Baby sleeps most of the time, tired from the marathon of their lives as well, you get to ohh and aww over baby, have help from medical staff, get showered with gifts and love and it all seems like a dream.
I have a vivid image in my mind of our new little family pulling into our driveway with both of our (my husband and my) families happily waiting inside and just rolling out of the front seat tearful, feeling out of my body and mind and thinking I have a baby now, do I want this?
I am somber writing this post as this is a very dark/confusing/raw part of my story. I vaguely remember a lot of my daughters first year of life due to this haze of depression.
Two days after we brought Emberly home from the hospital, we awoke to a swat team in our front yard and a helicopter swirling because that very morning a shooting had occurred at the high school 3 doors down from us.
It’s a lot to process losing our bodies, minds, sleep and relationship with our spouse all at one time.
My provider wanted to see me at 4 weeks instead of the typical 6 postpartum visit due to my traumatic birth.
In the office they have you fill out a questionnaire related to postpartum for safety and I was completely honest that I did feel tearful most of the time, had thoughts of inadequacy, and thoughts of wanting to harm myself and die.
I recognized that I needed help- but the help I thought I needed compared to the help they are mandated to provide in these situations were completely different.
I thought I probably needed to get on some depression medicine and talk to a therapist to work through all that had happened. Yes I am having these thoughts, but I am not in immediate danger.
I found myself following my provider, husband and one month old infant to the emergency room entrance.
She told the tech that I was at risk to self and needed to be admitted for suicidal ideation. The next part of this story is something I still shudder at and have PTSD from. I waved to my husband that I was ready to go back and they could follow and the worker said “they can’t go back with you.”
I was alone, I was shaking, and I was just ripped from my best friend and my newborn child. I was placed in a cement room with nothing but a bed.
I am a nurse so I knew the processes and what was coming. Thankfully I was able to talk to the doctor and explain that this was not the help I needed but I needed something long term to help me get through being a new mom and the sadness I was experiencing. I was discharged and reunited with my hubby and daughter.
My provider at that time did not prescribe me medicine-afraid of liability and not thinking it was what I needed. I in no way blame my provider as she did what she had to do.
There is a stigma around postpartum depression that is getting better, but is still very much real.
People are mystified and ask, “Why aren’t you happy? You just brought a new life into the world who is healthy and you are so blessed!”
They are right, I am blessed beyond measure, and I love being a mom- now, but it took me a long time to get to this point.
Through Emberly’s first year of life there were a lot of happy moments but there were a lot of moments of feeling overwhelmed, resenting my child for taking my time and attention away from my spouse (who until this point was mine for 6 1/2 years), crying over my body now covered in stretch marks and all stretched out, times of crying and hysteria wanting to die and be with my baby who was in heaven.
I feel guilty writing this, but I want those reading it to read about something real that isn’t talked about enough that a lot of moms experience. To not feel alone in feeling sad more than feeling happy after your baby is born.
I sought a family practice provider for an anti-depressant medicine and was dosed too high where the side effects far outweighed the benefits. I did not take this medication for very long and I was still in a very dark place.
I got to a place where I was able to advocate for myself with confidence when talking to providers and say “this is not working for me, I need something different.”
When Emberly was a few months old I started meeting with a therapist. It took about 9 visits until we felt comfortable with each other, and took a lot of hard visits breaking down all that was going on, but it helped lessen the suicidal thoughts.
At 9 months, I was still fighting this depression. I had lingering symptoms of pregnancy that mimicked being pregnant causing a lot of confusion and loss in my life as I repeatedly got tested and thought I was pregnant but was not.
Some of these changes take years to wear off and some never leave, but I did not know this and felt like a failure, alone and an idiot who didn’t know my body anymore.
I do not write this post to gain sympathy from my experience but to normalize this phenomenon that happens and is often overshadowed.
There are so many chemical, hormonal and physical changes in pregnancy and childbirth that scientists don’t even know about yet.
My mom who had babies in the 90’s was never given the help she needed following severe postpartum depression after having my brother Sean. At that time, the stigma was so apparent that you hid these feelings more afraid of being an outcast and having something be seriously wrong with you for being truly sad after having a child. This depression has never gone away for her because she never got the help she needed.
Today there are so many more resources. But moms are still so afraid to speak out and be honest, afraid that what they are feeling is not normal but is despicable.
In the next post I will write about my experience after having my second child and how different it has been, but for now I have worked to get where I am being free of suicidal thoughts.
There is help everywhere, mama, if you’re experiencing any of the above mentioned. We have to be brave enough to be open and honest about these feelings after huge changes to our bodies and minds post- birth.
There are therapists, family/friends, medication, exercise, a healthy diet, uplifting books, podcasts and mommy blogs that can help you in these dark times.
In that first year of Emberly’s life I was alive but I was not living.
You are heard, you are a beautiful, strong and amazing mama and you are not the only one who has experienced these dark days in motherhood.
If you need help locating resources or someone to talk to, message me!
I would love to hear your experiences with postpartum whether it be good or bad!
Leave your thoughts in the comments!
You are heard, you are a beautiful, strong and amazing mama and you are not the only one who has experienced these dark days in motherhood.
If you need help locating resources or someone to talk to, message me!
I would love to hear your experiences with postpartum whether it be good or bad!
Leave your thoughts in the comments!
Disclaimer: Use all general, parental, medical and life advice contained herein at your own risk.